Here I am again.

What starts it, is what I'd like to know? Good night or bad night. Because I am here again, its not so good. Usual stuff. Started to reduce the P. last month, taking 2 instead of 3. It's the side effects that get me down and I hope to be able to pain manage on an ad hoc basis. Easy to say when it isn't too bad, let's see how I hold up when it is.

Comforting to know of the others around the world with the same conditions, but so very sad that we are here to begin with. Maybe I'll start a local support group in Paisley, Renfrewshire, Scotland, UK.

Anyone?

Mind mapping, not napping.

I was in a deep sleep. The memory of the dream was lost, with only the rosy glow feeling of being happy and secure in my warm cosy cocoon.  My right foot is burning. Too tired to or can't be bothered focusing on the precise area. Doesn't matter anyway. The left foot has a mirror pain, only less noticeable.  All thoughts of sleep are gone.  I have to get up. It's early twilight, 4:32am. dark. I accept 5 hours sleep. That's a good deal to me. I hobble downstairs and put the kettle on for tea. One of my routine distractions. The kitchen clock makes me suddenly feel alone and without hope. I slump into the computer chair in he extension and boot up the desktop. Check the lottery, next time perhaps.

I'll get there someday

Pregabalin is used to relieve neuropathic pain (pain from damaged nerves). It works by decreasing the number of pain signals that are sent out by damaged nerves in the body. There are side effects. In my case it stops certain sensitive areas detecting sensation. I love my wife. I want to make love to my wife. I the desire and enthusiasm, but due to the drugs I'm unable to achieve completion. Those feelings that give the pleasure that builds to orgasm just aren't there. To me have a stick that needs additional stimuli to achieve. My wife is happy and snuggles down to doze leaving me sad that I didn't join her in climax.

I'm pissed off but not depressed. How can I be depressed with the love I'm given. Either the pains will end and I'll cease the drugs and hopefully find paradise lost. Or find another stimulus?

I'll get there some day. I hope.   

Lack of sleep makes Jack a dull boy

Last evening, after trying hard to take doze by day, I found myself knackered and up tight. With the aid of Tequila shots and a large brandy, coupled with 2 Diazepam I slept for almost 12 hours. The back is stiff, leg pains are in the background, but I slept well. A little woozy with the drugs, but all the better for it. (Recognising that this cannot become a habit and is for emergencies only)

Caught.

My wife has woken and found me missing. She finds me at the PC and hide my page. She gives me a kiss and hug and sympathy. I find it hard not to cry. The love breaks down my walls that I build to hold in the true inner feelings. Is it self pity or is it avoiding reality or the outcome of where this leads?

She is beautiful in her silken night dress. I love her so much.

Is a Blog a form of prayer?.

It's 03:18 GMT (+1).

The pain that started yesterday morning lingered on and came back with a vengeance. It was just a niggle when I first took paracetamol. The second doses was taken with a certain urgency 4 hours later and 2 hours after that I was starting to panic. It'd got worse and walking was beginning to distress me. What do I do now. I was at work. I knew I had a DHC tablet at home and knew that I could take on top of the P's. I couldn't wait another 2 hours for Co-codamol. Shite. What if it doesn't help? What'll I do then? Driving was fine and got home without incident. Took the one and only DHC and a Diazepam and stretching and focusing on something else and hoping it'll work. It was both legs this time. Thank God it worked and eased off over 3-4 hours. Back to "normal". It wasn't all gone, but it was tolerable enough. Tequila nightcap and bed at a 11. Woken now. My wife was snoring softly. Why should my issues waken her? Leaving bed I did the usual routine of finding slippers, the box of strong medication from the drawer, slipping the dressing gown from the hook and creaking the stairs to go down. Kettle on. Co-co's taken. Ciggy rolled. Tea masking. Me at the PC writing to myself and trying to find escape from my misery through expressing it to the world via this Blog.

Is a Blog a form of prayer?

I'm sharing my thoughts, my fears and my life with no-one that I know is there or even cares. Is it the same as praying to someone you don't know for sure is listening or even exists, but the very action relives the moment by just letting it out that relieves the moment.

Please God hear my prayer as I wait for the effects of the drug. The tea is refreshing, the darkness still as a glimmer of light on the horizon heralds a dawn chorus. Then I won't be entirely alone.

I live in hope.

'If you’ve got a pain then why don’t you just take something?'

Hmmmm.

Paracetamol?
Only works by taking constant doses every 4 hours and then it can help. Unfortunately the 4 hours expires when sleeping and then it returns.

Co-codamol?
Nausea fogging odd feeling. Takes the top of it but doesn't really give relief. Constipation follows.

DHC?
As above.

Diazepam?
GIves a good sleep but the body gets used to it so I ration its use. Never more than 2 tabs, even then rarely.

Gabapentin?
Changed me as a person. Didn't help the pain. Took me to a different place with my character. Mr Hyde came out and wanted to express sexual desire in a strange way, totally out of character. Perhaps it did actually reveal my inner self. Hurt my pride and hurt the one I love.

Pregabalin?
Lost the numbness in the toes, helped control it. Still got the pain bouts though, still taking it. Adds weight. Suppresses sensitivity down below. Desire still there but frustrated with inability.

Levitra?
Gives me back some esteem.  

The trouble is, the pain relievers take about 30mins before they take effect and even then they have limited impact. Also they have side affects in their own way.

If only there was a magic pill. Or a cure. Or a treatment. I live in hope.

It’s 5:12am. I woke on my right side with a throbbing on my right leg. I turned over. Mistake.

From toe to thigh it was there. I get up. Stumble down stairs and put the kettle on. Tea is my relief, that and movement. My eyes don’t focus right. My mouth is dry. I’m tired. There was no point is staying in bed with discomfort like that. The day begins with this routine all too often. Too often.

It’s actually quite nice to have the peace and quiet. If only it was just that which I have to enjoy. Unfortunately the day brings work and the stresses of the day. Driving through traffic. Arriving into the office and get bombarded with the issues of the day, of the week, of the general situation. Managing is the job and I do enjoy it, but when I’ve been up early and have had to deal with my own issues first it is s strain sometimes. I can't let it get on top of me and I can't let on to the team I'm in pain. I give them my time with patience and I listen to their issues. I give advice, they need my help. I enjoy giving it. We work well together and I like them a lot. I think they like me too. There is pain relief in doing good.